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and the answer is NO. big time.
yes they are truly adorable, like my niece,bella.
but it can turn out like johan too.

plus u have to take care of em.
yeah sure i can hire a nanny to take care of em,
but no way.i dun want too.
i mean.. i want a gud nanny.. but gud nanny also means u have to pay them at a gud price.
which is suck.

i plan out if i ever ready to get married or build a family,
i am gonna stop working.like really stop working and take care of my kids
cuz i wanna be a gud mum.
but.. with the diaper changing and the potty training ,
and not to meantion the house will be a mess with toys..
and that suck.

yeah i guess im not ready to get married or have kids yet.
maybe when im old and grey.haha
yeah i feel like i dun want a husband too.
but i dun want to adopt kids too.
like i wanna get pregnant and have kids without a husband
will that be possible?
i think its against in islam,am i right?
plus i heard like father is very importnat in a kids life
it’ll build up their confidence and all

overall, i think guys are useless. i really want to search like a gud man. real gud man who is real gud and have all the things that i need.really understands me top to down.its hard to trust anyone these days.and… will i find that "the one" malaysia? i think maybe.. but potentially i’ll marry someone who is not malaysian.maybe US citizen. not arabic,not malay, chinese, japanese or indian.i cross out that. ouh mabe mexican too. no no mexican for me.

maybe i;ll marry someone and live away from people. i hate people these days. they just gimme the creep. ok.i think im gonna delete silent friends in my fs. HAHAHA.

end.

i think im feeling normal now.lately i kept thinking bout stupid stuff. HAHA
like.. really stupid stuff and i wont tell here cuz its stupid and u’ll be laughing ur ass out .
mum said sumtimes when ur lonely u do stupid stuff >P
uhh.. what should i write today..nothing much

i kept eating lots of salad yesterday.. yummy
and.. lol i forgot lol..something about bella or jojo yesterday..
like they ade a joke or sumthing

sorry i had a syndrome of short memory lost
talking bout that.. i read a conversation that i’ve saved in yahoo draft..
mirc..talking about a friend..like its nothing biggggg
but i wonder.. why couldnt i think back all to myself?
why i have to read back and then i can recall it?
ngee. i kinda hate it actually…

hurm.. what more.. nothing i guess.just maybe i cant wait to get back home and changed
i bought a dark-street-skirt which is like 6 bucks (did i write here b4?) well its kinda like goth skirt but its like not proper  la so i have to alter it abit here and there… but im thinking now what top would match the skirt? and i dont wanna be all goth and all..and doenst want to be look like a fag either…

so yeah i’ll think of sumthing
maybe browse myspace profile and see what they wear
haha. ok lah
gtg

to stop writing junk in my blog.haha im a junkie. lol. im fuul of junk and i write junks.
i made another account in myspace which is private to anyone until i get bored and add more people in there.haha. i got a lot of junk too in my friends in myspace.i’ll go to that laterr.. anyway
haha nothing i guess.my day is just full of bored-ness.i think i’ll go watch an anime or two later.
i just went to the library and i dunno why but today i feel thirsty all the time?? ngee
hmmmmmm
nothing much today
lol.

[[to ayun:sorry.sorry i ruined ur life.sorry im a jerk.sorry i keep on clinging to you when i should let you go and have ur own life.sorry.thats all i have.sorry. its ok if we cant see each other anymore,talk or even say hello.fine.i understand.no hard feelings.i know.i keep hurting u.i know.i blame me.i point my own index finger at me. at myself.and im not hating myself,im just..dissapointed i guess..to what happen to us now. im just..sorry,and i'll keep on saying sorry.sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry.and i keep it on saying sorry until i get bored and god know when i'll stop.im just gonan say sorry silently after this..so i wont mess up ur ym and get u angry all over again.so whenever u see me,think bout me or whateva resemble me.remeber this word:sorry.]]

i talked to some of my friends and yeah.it hink its done.im in peace now,i mean ayun and i will never talked to each other again anad i have no feelings..no feelings like hated,jealousy,angry or whatso ever.he can call me a bizntach to his friends.i dun care anymore..
cuz whateva he says..maybe it aint true.if its true.i dun mind either.im not gonna condamn him.and all lah..haha i got fedup already

peace =)

ayun wrote to me:
just leave me alone as i leave you alone nowdays
i have my own life to run and you have your own
its the matter either i want to condamn myself or
not its my choice,you have your chance and you
ruin it just becoz you "afraid" of it
and what do you care bout me anymore?
there`s nothing between us
im me and its mychoice to go to hell or where ever
im end up in
and for your infomation,im telling you bout aqeela
is becouse i want you to know,i dont want to
backstabb you anymore but hey,you take it wrongly
and know what,it cost both of us more then both of
us think!
so now just get the fucking off my back and get
along with you"happily ever after life" with
someone else!

and his blog:

Why dont you guys leave me alone,im so fuck up with troubles nowdays! i dont need more then you guys! i just wanna run away right now,but its hard to leave the people you love,its really hard…

so long,cuz i hate people who make`s me cry!

fine.whateba lah.what eva he says lah.i dunno what to say or do
im feeling nothing.blur i guess
whateva
if he wants me to feel bad
well what luck
im not.

haih..i am so lazy to update my blog today.mainly cuz i have no idea what to write about.
today it’s said to be the "hottest" day in the year.im not sure its true or not but i hope so.i hope tomorrow will be a lil bit cool.cuz its so hot. argh…

i didnt even want to go outside cuz of the heat.im scared i’ll get heat stroke or sumthing.ngaa.i know im a bit ignorant..ahh i wish its not summer.i wish its spring..then all the flowers will bloom..
haha crazy talk..i know

bella doesnt want to go to sleep.and i dont know why.im terminating my 2nd accound in friendster..and thought of aking 2nd account in myspace.and i think..dont want lah.waste my time.

i terminate my livejournal account.it suppose to be private,but i terminate it.cuz.. everything inside there mainly about ayun.plus i have my friendster blog..so its ok lah.its more then enough.
plus anything private i nak tulis boleh tulis kat myspace blog aja.dun u think.

ala bella is crying.so if i have time i edit later aite.

1. an ipod
2. a lappy.a gud lappy.maybe an apple lappie
3. lots of starbucks.[im think i wanna work there when i come back to malaysia]
4. uhh sony ericsson w800i.or sumthing like dat lat
5. $$$
6. more and more tshirt,blouse,jeans,and wahteva i can grab.haha

so i just rread sha’a blog and comment it.i feel kinda jealous since she can go to MMu and have her own life.like.. uhh iw ant a life too.i also nak amsuk U..wanna make new friends..but im just scared.but i have to be brave also.haih..im hoping so much i can masuk into uitm shah alam.so i can go home.at least if im tired staying in the crappy room with 4 people and have no life. i know assigment will pile up and all. i know i’ll be having to much work to do anyrhing esle.in cluding eating.ok.make it on my list

    7. lose weight

lose some weight sya.since u came here u gain 10kg.10 FCUKING KG ok. now i think i can fit in XXL blouse in Malaysia.urgh that suckx.i look like a uhh i also dunno lah.hahahaha
but yeah i need to lose weight.kak mel even said shes been waiting for the moment to see me fit in her jeans.and my my i do wanna fit in her jeans. and amy jeans.guess jeans.muahaha.i bought at least 6 jeans for them(both of them same size)and all the jeans i choose are killer jeans.like.. uhh tommy hilfiger,guess and on.i like tommy.and why should i? i dont know
and tommy has a problem with Asian.or Islam’s.i couldnt remember which.but certainl they have a problem with me.Haha.so why the fcuk im supporthing them? cuz their clother are cool.haha.
wait.i should buy more clothes from hottopic.but my mum keep saying she doesnt like it.but i like it.its my money
100USD i earned everymonth. i should have the right to do anything with that money..like… hurm..
more shirts from hottopic.and i bought shirts from hottopic so ayun could sell
but argh wateva his name came up in my hair again *DUSH*
forger bout him already

i think i wanna get amnesia or sumthing.it’ll be good
and i do wanna write more on my blog
only that bella wokeup.
so bye2.i’ll edit later.

the songs are quite good.i loike it. well anyway kak mel and i went out to the movies, pirates of the carrabbien 2.its quite gud.i wanna see it again… nothing much today…yesterday i slept late..i dont know whether is the coffee working up on me(dunkin donut’s coffee i had in the evening yesterday)
but i slept around 1 plus.and i cant remeber how i slept.. such a clidish peerson of me yah?

these days are the worst i guess.before i sleep i’ll be sufferig thinking about ayun.so when i wokeup in the morning.i feel kinda lonely again.i mean.. i enjoy his company for a while ..he smsed me and all when i was here.. thank you ayun.i guess. well i think if i wanna go home..i have to totally forget about him

oh and dun feel sorry for me.its my fault and all.

hmm..what to say now.yesterday..went out to the beach..but we were not
like ready.didnt bring anything ..except fud and extra clothes.haha.i
didnt want to swim.lotsss of rocks.anddd
the water its kinda cold. and there’s a man said ‘oh the water is so warm’.hah!!
well dude..visit malaysia and go to pulau redang..the water is really warm there..u’ll like it.
ah
pulau redang.i kinda miss malaysia .but i feel like i dun really want
to go home.sure,i do miss all my friends..and loved one’s..
but i kinda feel i dun wawnt to leave US either…

ok then.now i have to go to abang jamie’s parent’s house
they are having sum uhh bbq i guess going on there

it is tough not to ablle to talk to ssomeone who knows you deep down inside
*sigh* its tough to ignore that i never met ayun,or i pretend that i didnt remember anything  that we had together
oh well..life’s go on
he’s the one who said "from now onwards,there’s nothing"
so..theres nothing between us.and he said he’s "sad" cuz im acting up again
doesnt he know that im jealous everytime he bring up aqeela?
i just didnt want to show.im not like that
and he cheated on me twice.
and i talked about my ex once and he blew it.
like..normal lah org cakap pasal ex
and i just said i was jealous.doesnt mean i still love my other ex.gah.

whateva.i reallllllllllllly want to forget about him and all
but i just couldnt
so i just let it be i guess
*ouch* its painful.

those tshirts that i bought here,
he’s suppose to sell it to his friends
butttttttt
since we’re not talking to each other anymore
im gonna sell it =/

its in my photo album in friendster
intrested just tell me
when i come back i give sell lah
i just want to show how’s the tshirt like.
=]]

is that true? well i think it is.cuz i dream and it never came true.even the simplest fream ever.cuz it all made out from lies.it made out from me.i keep saying it’ll come true but it wont.and it break me apart

alright.stop being emoinsh already.hahaha
so haziq is avoiding me too.which is ok for me.i’ll delete him alter in YM and MS
and ummmmmmm ape lagi
yeah mum went to LA today to see aunty ah fong.
gosh its kinda bored.since mum is gone
i sweep,vaccum and walla
mop.but i mop at the dining table area aja
but the amount of dust
tsk tsk tsk..
im gonna continue some tommorroe or the day after

ngee//bella tosay was quite naughty..she didnt sleep well.
at first its about 9 to 10am
then tried to make her sleep at 12,didnt work out

at 1,same thing
last2 she slept at 3 until now (its 5pm now)

and kak rose is coming home soon
she took the car to the train station
uhhhh what more
nothing i guess
my day is jut boring as ever
HAHAHA
oh well

my boring lifeee